Why do the usual questions not work?

Questions like how was school invite a one-word answer, and questions like are you okay ask a teenager to summarise something they may not have words for yet. The questions in this guide are specific, low-pressure and easy to answer partially.

What if my teenager still says nothing?

That is a normal outcome, not a failure. The guide includes what to say when the answer is nothing, how to leave the door open without pressing, and why the second attempt often works better than the first.

When should I be worried rather than curious?

The guide ends with the signs that mean a conversation is not enough on its own: changes lasting more than two weeks, withdrawal from everything a young person used to enjoy, and anything involving self-harm or thoughts of not being here. Those need professional support, not a better question.

Free download for parents

10 Questions That Help Teenagers Open Up

How was school gets you fine. These ten questions are built differently: specific enough to answer, small enough not to feel like an interrogation, and open enough to go somewhere if your teenager wants it to.

Written by the Let's Be Real team from the parent workshops we run in international schools across Europe.

See the parent workshop See all workshops

Ask about the day, not the feeling

Feelings questions ask for a summary. Detail questions ask for a memory, and memories carry the feeling with them.

What was the best and worst ten minutes of today
Who did you sit with at lunch
What made you laugh today, even if it was stupid

Ask sideways

Talking about other people is safer than talking about yourself, and often ends up in the same place.

Is anyone in your year having a hard time at the moment
What do people your age actually worry about that adults get wrong
If a friend was struggling, would they tell anyone

Ask about pressure without naming it

Most teenagers will not describe themselves as stressed. They will describe a workload.

What is the thing coming up that you least want to do
How much of your week feels like yours

Ask what would help

This hands back a bit of control, which is usually the thing in shortest supply.

Do you want me to help with this, or just listen to it
What would make tomorrow slightly easier

When you get nothing

Silence is information, not rejection. Say that you are not going anywhere, that there is no deadline for this conversation, and then genuinely drop it. Come back another day, side by side rather than face to face - in the car, on a walk, doing dishes. Proximity without eye contact does a lot of the work.

When a conversation is not enough

Get professional support when a change in mood, sleep, appetite or withdrawal lasts more than two weeks, when your teenager stops doing everything they used to enjoy, or whenever self-harm or thoughts of not wanting to be here come up. Start with your school counsellor or your family doctor. If someone is in immediate danger, contact emergency services.

Send me the ten questions

A one-page printable version you can keep on the fridge, with the follow-ups that keep a conversation going. Free, no newsletter subscription required.

Common questions

Why do the usual questions not work?: Questions like how was school invite a one-word answer, and questions like are you okay ask a teenager to summarise something they may not have words for yet. The questions in this guide are specific, low-pressure and easy to answer partially.
What if my teenager still says nothing?: That is a normal outcome, not a failure. The guide includes what to say when the answer is nothing, how to leave the door open without pressing, and why the second attempt often works better than the first.
When should I be worried rather than curious?: The guide ends with the signs that mean a conversation is not enough on its own: changes lasting more than two weeks, withdrawal from everything a young person used to enjoy, and anything involving self-harm or thoughts of not being here. Those need professional support, not a better question.

Practise it with other parents

Our parent workshop turns these questions into conversations you rehearse out loud, so they are there when you need them.

Enquire now About Let's Be Real